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Confession: A Courageous Act

12/5/2019

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Confessing our sins is hard.

Satan doesn’t want us doing it, so he makes us feel uncomfortable. Not with our sins, but with the thought of admitting to them out loud. To a person. He persuades us to postpone our visit to the priest again and again, until finally we’re convinced we don’t need to go at all.

Thus the devil wins.  We lose God’s precious friendship, and if we've committed a mortal sin we put our souls in eternal danger. We ignore His call to come back, no matter how grave the sin we’ve committed. We miss out on His Divine Mercy, which is only available before we die. After that comes judgement.

It takes real courage to fight against the Evil One and step into that confessional. 
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The Humility Aspect 
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Our disposition when speaking to God should always be one of total humility, in recognition of His Goodness and our fallen nature, and of Him as Our Creator.

People tell me that they can talk to God directly and don’t need the mediation of a flawed human being. This reasoning allows them to side-step the uncomfortableness of a physical meeting, thereby avoiding the humility that Confession entails.

Is it easier to confess aloud to a living human being or privately to God? It takes a great deal more humility to do so person-to-person than to have a conversation in one’s head. And how often does a person really confess their sins without a nudge from Holy Church to do so?

During Confession, I am talking to God. The priest is acting in persona Christi, like the Apostles, the first priests.  “If you forgive anyone's sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven. (John 20:23).” See also Matthew 16:19 and 18:18.

Many think that Confession gives Catholics a clean slate to sin again. But the opposite is true: the more often we go to Confession, the less likely we are to sin. Confessing to a priest takes great humility, and that humbling experience is a very strong deterrent against sinning in the first place.
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You can’t say that of those who don’t frequent the confessional.
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You’re not that Special 
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Proud beings that we are, we worry about scandalizing the priests with our sins and are afraid they’ll look at us differently once we’ve confessed them. But our sins are not original: the priest has heard them all before. None of us is that special.

And, as an appointed minister of Christ, the priest’s job is not to keep a running tab on our misbehavior. He forgets it as soon as confession is over, just as Christ does (remember, the priest is in persona Christi).

Although each of us is important in God’s eyes, we need to remember that we are also part of God’s plan for salvation and fulfill our role by following His Will not ours.
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But God is not looking to crush our freedom and make us feel bad. What He wants is for us to live the fullest life possible. This means ridding ourselves of our sins, and Confession is the sacrament He gave us for doing it.
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I am the Good Shepherd (John 10:11)

​The Amazing Takeaway 
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There is a deep peace that comes from admitting one’s imperfections to Someone higher than us, Who understands us better than we understand ourselves.

Christ said of the woman who anointed His feet: “Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little" (Luke 7:47).

The worse our sins are and the more we appreciate our unworthiness before God, the greater will be our love for Him because of His incredible forgiveness. Some of the greatest saints started out as the greatest sinners. God’s Mercy is unfathomable, but it is there for all of us, if we reach out to Him with repentance in Confession.

It is impossible to describe the sheer joy of receiving absolution in the confessional. I feel an overwhelming sense of Christ’s love when I come away from my encounter with Him. I am once more in friendship with Him and often cry from the sheer happiness of it. Many of my friends have the same reaction. As a forgiven person, I want to try my best not to sin anymore and ‘to avoid the near occasions of sin.’

The worst feeling in the world for me - as a Catholic who was away from the Church for over twenty years - is to lose my sense of being in friendship with Christ. If I sin grievously, I instantly lose that precious gift and need to repair it as fast as I can. Thankfully my local church takes confession before every weekday Mass, and I am able to quickly restore my relationship with God and receive the Eucharist.


As Father Phil Bloom writes in his great article on Confession:
“Some people have considered confession to be a kind of "psychiatry for the masses." Carl Jung … speculated that the confession of sins accomplishes much of what psychiatry does. …..(But) the sacrament of penance is not about feeling better, it is about receiving the Holy Spirit.”

And only the promptings of Holy Spirit give us the courage to go through with it.

Further Reading:
 
What Is the Sacrament of Confession?
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Confession of Sins
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A Tale of Healing

3/20/2019

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Last year I moved with my horse and husband to Hilton Head Island in South Carolina.
The reason for mentioning my horse is that where I now board him has turned into a blessing on many fronts, one of them most unexpected.

A lady boarding there used to suffer from ulcerative colitis.

Yes, used to.

For eighteen years this lady had battled to be a good mom to her two daughters, but so often was unable to take them anywhere or participate in their activities because of her debilitating disease.

Those of you who have, or know someone who has ulcerative colitis or Crohn’s know exactly what I’m talking about.
 
An Act of Desperation 

Like so many of us, she’d tried everything she could to heal her body, but nothing had worked.

Then she heard about a man who has devised a blood test that can pinpoint to 95% accuracy what foods are triggering the symptoms. Most of the current blood tests available are ineffective or only 35% accurate, such as the one my son took.

The protocol is not cheap, but a one-time payment covers you for life.

My friend talks about taking out the money in cash and meeting the man at a gas station – very cloak and dagger! But in fact, it was the only place they could get together as he was on the road, and it was her only opportunity to pay him and set up the blood test.

He was her last hope.
 
The Result 

My friend’s blood was tested for over 200 foods, including herbs and spices. She was sent the results and now knew which food items to avoid and which were safe.

She also agreed to go on a specific diet for 90 days to see if it helped.

Within a week all her symptoms were gone.

Yes, gone – after eighteen years of ulcerative colitis and multiple hospitalizations and almost dying several times.

She no longer experiences urgency, despite the fact that all the literature I’ve read suggests that once the sphincter muscles have been over stretched, they can’t be restored.

Her colonoscopies are clean with no sign of the disease.








​New Lifestyle 

My friend still has to make sure she stays away from the wrong foods. She got food poisoning over the winter and her symptoms returned, but she was mentored throughout by the man who’d tested her blood. He told her to hang in there and that she would get better. She did.

Her new diet is purely plant-based, and it’s hard for her to keep on weight, as you have to eat a lot of plants to do so!

But she doesn’t mind. It’s worth it to be symptom free and able to live a normal life in all other respects.
 
What’s Next? 

I was so excited to hear about this protocol and contacted the man to find out what’s involved and the cost. His protocol is very expensive, and at present that is putting off my son from going ahead and getting the blood test.

He’s also understandably skeptical about it, after everything he’s tried already, but I am in high hopes that he will go ahead eventually and have it done.

Right now, he is still not in a flare, for which I am so grateful! But he has to be careful about when and what he eats, as he still has the urgency issues to cope with.

In the meantime, I feel I shouldn’t keep this information to myself, as my goal is to give hope to others dealing with this horrible disease.
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If you are interested in contacting the wonderful man who devised the blood test and protocol, please let me know via the contact page. He doesn’t have an online presence on purpose, as he has seen too many of his colleagues who practice natural medicine get shut down by mainstream Western doctors.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


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The Best Christmas Ever!

1/8/2019

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For those of you who don’t know my son’s story, he was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis five years ago.

By ‘diagnosed,’ I mean as he lay on the clinic bed after his colonoscopy the gastroenterologist pronounced, “You have ulcerative colitis. I’ll put you on some medication,” then walked off.

That was it: no explanation of what this would entail for my poor son and no bedside manner whatsoever.

He took the medication and was immediately worse. Which is not surprising, since one of the side effects of Lialda is ulcerative colitis.
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I marched into the gastro office and demanded an appointment, using tears when all else failed. 
While my son – who had to drive two hours from university to get here – lay prone on a trestle bed in the gastro’s office, I told the man we weren’t interested in his medication anymore, and just wanted the prednisone to get the inflammation down. We’d done sufficient research to know the meds had horrible side effects. NO MORE UC MEDS!

He told us the disease had nothing to do with food but we knew differently. Shortly thereafter the prednisone didn’t work anymore, either.

I have since discovered that our gastro story is common among UC sufferers.

As you will know if you’ve been reading this blog, my son and I were now on the desperate search for a protocol that would improve his quality of life without the drastic problems that UC medication brings with it.
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It is an ongoing process and he is constantly fine-tuning his routine. But the one he’s been following over the past few months has kept him from having a flare for the longest time ever: 9 months.
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Christmas in Chicago, near my son's apartment.
Prayer and Fasting Answered

For the past five years – every Christmas since his diagnosis – he has flared either in November or, in 2017, two days before the Nativity of Our Lord. He dragged his skeletal frame to a couple of Midnight Masses, but it was painful for me to watch him struggle to participate in this important Christmas event.

The past two years he couldn’t even think about coming.

So, as Christmas was approaching this year, my prayer and fasting for his sake went into high gear!
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He arrived at our home on 22nd December, still doing well, but I wasn’t going to let up until he’d made it through the 25th and hopefully beyond.
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I took this photo during the carol singing, thanking God that my son could be with me this night!
When 24th came around, he was in good spirits and able to accompany me to Midnight Mass. (I’ve moved to Hilton Head Island, where ‘midnight’ starts at 10 p.m.!)

We arrived at 9:30 p.m. to the beautiful strains of a small orchestra playing carols before Mass began. As I sat next to him, my heart swelled with enormous gratitude to God. At the back of the church, on either side of the tabernacle, stood a huge lit fir tree, and a massive nativity scene rested at the foot of the altar steps. Red and white poinsettias added life to the scene, and I could feel God smiling down on us all.

Even though he doesn’t fully believe at present, my son recited all the prayers with me, held my hand during the Our Father and walked down the aisle for a blessing when I received the Eucharist.

I thanked him profusely and let him know that my Christmas was now complete.
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How I’d longed for this day!
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This is a very high quality hemp oil (it's no longer allowed to be called CBD oil)
His Current Protocol
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Many of you will want to know what my 26-year-old son is doing to maintain his current level of health. With the important caveat that this may not work for everyone, I outline his typical day below.

He is working crazy hours as a CPA with a big firm in Chicago, so his daily routine is pretty grueling. During the week he aims to get to bed between 8 and 9 p.m.

He wakes up between 4 – 4:30 a.m., goes to the bathroom (he’s sleeping through the night without needing to get up – hurray!) then returns to bed and rests his laptop on a pad on his knees and writes in his journal for 30 minutes.

Then he takes his dog for a 20 – 30-minute walk and feeds her when they get back. She (and our dogs, too) are on a raw food diet.
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For ‘breakfast’ he takes a teaspoonful of CBD (hemp) oil and two teaspoons of MCT oil, followed by a highly absorbable Turmeric/Curcumin Supplement with Boswellia Extract
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This turmeric/curcumin supplement is the highest recommended I could find, and together with boswellia is a powerful anti-inflammatory - and considered to have anti-cancer properties.
That is followed by 30 minutes in the gym doing strength/high intensity interval training to build muscle and keep his body strong to fight the disease through improved immunity.

At the gym he has a 12-minute sauna followed by a completely cold shower. This latter is from his research into the Wim Hof Method and its health benefits, particularly for strengthening the immune system.

When he first moved to Chicago, the cold really got to him and triggered his symptoms. This fall, as the temperatures started to drop, he wore less clothing than was comfortable to acclimatize his system to them.

He has found that this, plus the daily workouts and cold showers have helped to stave off a flare.

On his return home after the gym, he dresses and goes to work. His stomach is essentially empty so he doesn’t have to worry about sudden urgency on the way there or at the office or client.

Lunch is his first meal.

His diet consists of: beef, chicken or turkey; broccoli, carrots, brussels sprouts, asparagus, green beans and cauliflower. For something sweet he eats dark chocolate with no dairy, or sorbet. Since he can’t drink coffee, he finds that dark chocolate is great for waking him up in the afternoons when he starts to nod off.
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He absolutely cannot eat anything spicy.
He tries to eat dinner as early as possible but it’s usually not before 7 p.m. when he gets home. He could eat sooner at the office/client, but doesn’t want to need the bathroom.

Once or twice a month he’ll have a glass of red wine without ill effects.

Rinse and repeat.
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As already noted, to date he’s been able to stave off a flare. About once a month there’s blood in his stool (but still no diarrhea) or he feels a little ‘iffy.’ When that happens, he goes on a water fast for 24 hours or until dinner the next day. So far, so good.

​Fasting is a powerful anti-inflammatory. You can find a ton of information about this online.
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Chicago City sidewalk Christmas display
Coping at Christmas 
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This regime works well when he’s alone and in full control of his diet. It’s tougher in social situations which involve a lot of eating out.

He looks for simple items on the menu, such a steak, grilled chicken, broccoli and cauliflower. He even managed to eat carrots which had been smothered in butter (he is lactose intolerant) without ill effect!
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He ate sorbet for dessert when it was offered, and I found some coconut milk ice cream and coconut milk ices for him to snack on back home.
The Take-Away 

As the years go by, his self-discipline regarding food has sky-rocketed, spilling over into all other areas of his life.

He reads extensively and listens to such interesting podcasts that I’ve developed the habit of doing the same thing every morning when I get up. I find uplifting podcasts and YouTube videos, and highly recommend those by Bishop Robert Barron and Dr. Jordan Peterson. They set a positive tone for the rest of my day.

Whenever I feel down, I think of my son and how valiantly he is coping with his situation – and realize I have no right to be unhappy.  He doesn’t like his job, either, but is continuing to do well in it until he can find a better alternative.

I feel such pride in the fine young man he has become!

To cap it all, he and I are now in active dialogue about God and Christianity.

Things are good, and I pray they may continue.
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I wish you a very Happy New Year. I hope this helps you and that you, or anyone you know who has ulcerative colitis, might soon find relief.
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Hilton Head Christmas decorations wouldn't be complete without an alligator!
Subscribe to Hilary Walker Books, and get a free copy of Riding Out the Wager, the first book of The Father Michael Trilogy.
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Related Posts:

- Dog Therapy for my Son's Ulcerative Colitis


- St. Jude & Ulcerative Colitis

- Ulcerative Colitis: Stabat Mater Dolorosa

- Ulcerative Colitis: A Natural Approach

- One Man's Ulcerative Colitis Diet

- A Different Kind of Milk
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What a Tough Time to Be a Catholic Writer!

10/4/2018

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While I’ve been completing “Riding Out the Wreckage,” the third book in The Father Michael Trilogy, my Church has been falling apart!

More revelations keep coming to light about long standing sexual abuse by, and homosexual affairs among, the clergy. Faithful Catholics are dismayed and don’t know what to believe regarding their Church leaders.
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Our religion appears to be in tatters and this makes it a difficult time to be writing Catholic fiction. But I believe this is also an important time to be a Catholic writer.


The Church Isn’t Always Easy to Defend 
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When I returned to the Church, after being absent for twenty years, I was immediately greeted by the downfall of my parish priest and his successor.

The first pastor was accused of sexual misconduct with the seminarians he was in charge of 30 years prior. We parishioners wanted to believe his denials, but were finally forced to accept the truth, as more and more credible witnesses came forward.

God had called me back to the faith for this? My Christian Mystery novel, Brittle Diamonds was a response to the crisis.

We embraced the new pastor, a Monsignor no less, with eagerness to believe in a good shepherd again. But after two years he announced he was an alcoholic and left us to go into rehab.

Reeling, we looked to a third leader to save us.
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He was late coming to the priesthood, having being a lawyer in his previous life. He is level-headed and still at that church.


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Satan really goes after the clergy!
However, I became concerned when he preached on the miracle of Christ feeding the five thousand with five loaves and two fish. He described it not as being a miracle per se, but an extraordinary example of people sharing what they have.

That is not at all what the Gospel says!

Where did he get that interpretation from? Did he also not believe that Jesus brought Lazarus back to life? Did he even believe that Christ actually died and rose again?

This man was not teaching the Truth. How many more priests like him were out there?

What had happened to Catholicism while I was gone?

There really Are Good & Faithful Priests 
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Despite misgivings, I clung to what I believed to be right and did my best to be a good Catholic while in that parish.

Then came my move to Maryland, and to a parish with a wonderful priest who is devoted to fundamental Catholic teaching, including the truth that Christ did perform miracles.

I am grateful for him and the two subsequent pastors who’ve been shining examples of what is means to be good priests.

They are not afraid to state the truths of both the Old and New Testaments, however unpopular they are and whatever the cost to themselves. One of them even said that he fully expects either his or the next generation of priests to end up in prison because of the current wave of atheism and anti-Catholicism.
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And the turbulence within the Church is not helping to stem the increasing onslaught.
Satan really goes after the clergy: they have so much temptation to resist and they badly need our prayers!
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Now Is the Time to Trust in the Lord 

I think it’s helpful to remember that Judas was in the Church right from the beginning; that Peter denied Christ three times, and all the Apostles ran away from Christ when he needed them the most, except for John. We’ve been repeatedly warned that evil will attack from within and shouldn’t be surprised it’s happening.

Nevertheless, it’s deeply painful and confusing to have our trust shattered again. The  Catholic Church appears irretrievably damaged. But consider these words from Bishop Robert Barron in Why Remain Catholic with so Much Scandal?:

“we are not Catholics because of the moral excellence of our leaders. I mean, God help us if we were. We want our leaders—indeed, we expect our leaders—to be morally excellent. But we are not Catholics because of that moral excellence. We’re Catholics because of Jesus Christ, crucified and risen from the dead. We’re Catholics because of the Trinitarian love of God. We're Catholics because of the Mystical Body of Christ. We’re Catholics because of the sacraments. We’re Catholics especially because of the Eucharist. We're Catholics because of the Blessed Mother. We’re Catholics because of the saints. Even as leaders in the Church fail morally, the Catholic Church remains the Mystical Body of Christ, the Bride of Christ. And she’s worth fighting for.” (My emphasis.)
 
By continuing to write Catholic fiction, I hope to spread the beauty of Christianity and the truths of the Catholic Church, which transcend the moral character of her human leaders.
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In the words of Peter Herbert, in A Severe Mercy: Our Time of Visitation “Our job is to obey and to entrust everything to His mercy and love and to the protection and intercession of Our Lady.” The ending of the Bible makes it clear – God wins.
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Dog Therapy for My Son's Ulcerative Colitis

3/20/2018

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My son needed his dog, Fly, to help him get over this latest flare
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To be honest, I've avoided writing this post for several months.

Why?

Because while I was rejoicing over my son staying in remission, he was building up to another flare - which began a couple of days before Christmas.

Stress & More Stress

Looking back it's hardly surprising. In fact, I'm amazed it didn't happen sooner. He was under enormous stress, despite not eating any 'forbidden' foods, and as any UC sufferer knows, stress is a huge cause of flaring.

As an aside, I'd like to add that a new study suggests that our gut flora changes in winter and we have less of the good bacteria in our intestines then. This would account for many people flaring in winter, whereas they can keep their UC under control the rest of the year. (Of course, I can't find the Tweet that included the link to this study, but when I do, I'll share it!)

My son had just accepted a new job in Chicago, then driven fourteen hours straight to look for apartments in the Windy City. After a bitterly cold and busy week (the cold is no friend of UC, is it?) he found a place and signed a lease. He was now under obligation to pay a large amount of rent per month.

Next he had to buy a new Jeep. His old one needed a new catalytic converter but wasn't worth putting the money into.

More debt.

On top of that, the new vehicle developed problems that weren't being fixed properly by the selling garage. He now owed money for an SUV which might be a lemon.

He also knew that he wouldn't be able to take his dog, Fly (pictured above) with him for the first three months, as he'd be working 16 hour days plus Saturdays. That gave him no down time to spend with his beloved animal.

Thus, as I said, it is hardly surprising that he flared two days before the celebration of Our Lord's birth.

I was devastated. I had so hoped for a flare-free Christmas!!!

​But he had to start his new job, flare or no flare. I felt so sorry for him. Piling my truck high with his belongings, I drove to Chicago along the same route he'd set out on a few hours earlier. He would need to make many more stops than me along the way and needed the head start ....



















A Miserable Trip

It was snowing, sleeting and slamming down freezing rain all the way there - over fourteen hours. I still don't know how he managed to make it, as I was having a horrible trip!

But make it we did. Once in Chicago, between his bathroom trips, we unpacked our vehicles and got him settled into his 24th floor apartment.

Then I cooked him foods we knew he could tolerate and hunkered down to let him rest for the next few days before he had to go to work.

While he tried to sleep, I was on a big research gig and found studies on how Chinese medicine has been found to help with ulcerative colitis. Further investigation pulled up a Chinese practitioner not far from us. My son agreed to work with him.

In the meantime, he was also using the BEMER lent to us by a friend. He didn't feel it helped with the flare itself, but last year he went into a flare with what turned out to be a torn rotator cuff and the inflammation spread across his shoulders and down his arms.

He couldn't lift anything or write.

It eventually caused bursitis in both knees and he could only walk with the assistance of two canes if he kept his legs straight. It was HORRIBLE!

Once again, this time around he started his flare with a stiff shoulder. Yet it disappeared with the help of the BEMER. If not for that, my son would have gone through the same muscle misery as last time.

We visited the Chinese practitioner in Chicago. He performed acupuncture and gave my son a tincture called Irritease. (Use this link as other sites will only let you buy it if you are a practitioner.) 



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The Chinese Factor


​If you pull up studies, you'll find that anything used to help UC sufferers takes around eight weeks to work. My son's flares are usually for two months anyway, so it's hard to say whether the Irritease was helpful.

Yet now that my son has come out of his flare (more about that later) he's not taking it anymore because he doesn't want the opposite problem - constipation. To me that suggests that the tincture does help!

And here's another reason I think Chinese medicine is worth trying. 

After the first two weeks of diarrhea in January, the practitioner told my son to get a saline IV as he was severely dehydrated. He was so weak that I had to take a 45 minute Uber to his office and drive him home from work that evening. Thank Goodness I was in Chicago and able to do this!

Back at his apartment, I gave him some food then drove to the local hospital ER where they could see he needed help. As he lay on the bed being prepared for his IV, the nurse took a nose swab in a routine precaution to make sure he didn't have flu.
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Quell Fire - this stuff really works!
'We were horrified when the results came back: he had a temperature of over 102 F degrees and did indeed have flu!

But how were we going to get that temperature down? He can't take NSAIDs and Tylenol just rips up his intestines.

They wanted to keep him in hospital overnight 'for observation' but what good was that going to do? The doctor had already looked inside his mouth and declared him 'not to be dehydrated' - so we had zero confidence in her!

I drove my son home, and emailed the Chinese practitioner.

Watching my son writhe in agony that night, I prayed the Rosary over and over again, begging God not to let my son die. It was so awful!

The next morning his temperature was still high. I'd received an answer from Dr. Tim and rushed over to get another tincture, this time one against fever.

The concoction is called Quell Fire and I immediately started administering it to my son.

You'll remember he started at over 102 F degrees. Shortly after he took this tincture, his temperature began to drop and two days later it was 96 F degrees - below normal! What a result! He didn't need to take that anymore!

Throughout this period his new employer was very understanding. He had sick leave for two days, then was allowed to work remotely on day three. Mercifully the weekend came after this, giving him a better chance of resting and recuperating.

He was still flaring badly, and had a bad cough from the flu, but we were grateful that the fever had broken at least.

My son is a fighter. Sunday came and he had to drive himself and a colleague four hours to the location of a client in Michigan, where they would stay the week, come home o Friday, then return on Sunday.

One big mercy is that Depend underwear for men look like normal underpants and you can get them in three different colors. My son took a ton of those with him, and if asked why he wore them, would simply say "Why do laundry, if I don't have to?"

(When he was first diagnosed with UC he refused to wear these briefs, but understands the virtue of them now!)

During those weeks on the road he would have very little control over what he ate as he couldn't take food with him.

Miserable and worried, I flew back home to Maryland: there was nothing I could do for him anymore except pray and pray and pray. He is not a believer at present, so I'm very careful to keep my talks with God private.

The other thing I did was buy one dark chocolate bar after the other,  consuming large chunks of them whenever he was out of the room! I've read that chocolate increases one's level of serotonin and boy, did I need that!

PictureFly observes the Navy Pier looking out on Lake Michigan from her new home in Chicago.
Inching Forward

The first indication he was improving significantly came when he texted me that he was planning to go on a one-day ski trip with others in his apartment building. He explained that he now had more control over his bathroom trips.

Imagine my joy when, at the end of the day, he sent a group photo of the skiers - with him in it! And this, despite not being able to eat strictly in order to get over a flare.

This is why I believe the Irritease and acupuncture did help him. Previously he has gone back into an even worse flare if he wasn't completely disciplined about his food intake and we'd become used to two or three flares in a row, each worse than the one before.

Earlier I mentioned that it was hard on my son not having his beloved dog with him. Every night I sent a short 'good night' video of her.

Then came the day, six weeks after his flare began, when he asked if his dad and I could bring Fly to meet him somewhere on the route to Chicago. I knew he must be feeling a lot better if he judged himself able to take care of his dog.

That was two weeks ago. We took Fly with us and met our son in Toledo. Their reunion was so touching! Fly jumped up and down for joy at seeing her owner again.

​We went out to dinner at a restaurant our son had picked out. Imagine how happy I was when he rode with us, ate dinner and rode back with us - all without needing the bathroom!!!!!

The next morning we parted ways and that evening were sent the photo of Fly looking out of the window in her new abode.

A week later, on St. Patrick's Day I texted to ask if the river really is dyed green?

I was sent this photo:
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This showed me that, yes, the Chicago River is dyed green, but more importantly that my son is out and about with his dog - and that Fly is helping him enjoy life again.

Thank you, God, for this Easter gift!

I leave you with a link to this inspiring article:
Scaling New Heights with Ulcerative Colitis


Subscribe to Hilary Walker Books, and get a free copy of Riding Out the Wager, the first book of The Father Michael Trilogy.
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​Related Articles:

- St. Jude & Ulcerative Colitis


- Ulcerative Colitis: Stabat Mater Dolorosa

- Ulcerative Colitis: A Natural Approach

- One Man's Ulcerative Colitis Diet

- A Different Kind of Milk

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Making Christmas Merry

12/18/2017

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In October my son went for a week to Rhode Island to attend a seminar for dog trainers.

But he learned much more than how to educate a dog or grow a canine business. He came back with a long list of really good books to read - none of which had anything to do with dogs, but everything to do with self-improvement.
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Thanks to that seminar the Kindle app on my phone is now rapidly filling up with great books!
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I am already re-reading ‘The Slight Edge’ by Jeff Olson. 
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Habits of Thought & Attitude 

The book is about changing one’s life for the better by means of slight daily improvements.

He discusses how habits of thought and attitude can either ‘uphold and support you’ or ‘imprison and restrain you.’ It’s important to be aware of those that don’t serve us and either change or get rid of them.

Replacing a bad habit with one that empowers and serves us is a great way to do this and one way to achieve this is to have a positive outlook. People with a positive attitude move towards their goals instead of away from them.
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​Daily Appreciation 

Cultivate the habit of gratitude. Mr. Olson says that positive psychologists note how consistently happier people share this trait. He suggests writing down three things to be grateful for upon waking every day – three different things.

We tend to take good things for granted and zero in on those that aren’t so wonderful. But by doing that we give too much power to the negative and derive no benefits from the positive.

By switching our focus to the goodness in life we can totally change our outlook.

For me, this means looking for God’s grace every day. Since I’ve started to do that, I’ve been amazed to find out how much He’s looking out for me.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve suddenly caught myself driving too fast and have taken my foot off the gas, only to find that there’s a cop car waiting up ahead. Thank you, God, for giving me the chance to do the right thing!

The other day I went to the dermatologist and my face was basted with a special cream. This was for the light treatment I needed for pre-cancer cells. A piece of Saran wrap was placed over my nose, with another on my forehead.

I had to wait 90 minutes like this before the actual light treatment and didn’t want to sit in the waiting room that long. So I drove across to Panera and bought myself a coffee. As I was walking to a table, I knocked my cup against my purse and the container fell onto the floor. The lid came off and the contents spilled all over the carpet.

Not only had I lost my entire drink, but had also drawn attention to my Saran-wrapped face. It was most definitely a negative moment!

Then a lady jumped up from her table to help me mop up the mess, telling me that she’s a waitress and a klutz and always dropping things on the floor. Whether that was true or not, I so appreciated her empathy!

When I got to the front of the line again to order a new coffee, the lady looked surprised. I told her what had happened and she immediately asked the barista to remake my drink - and charged me nothing. The barista worried that she hadn’t put the lid on my coffee properly, but I assured her the whole episode was entirely my fault.

Thus, on the heels of huge embarrassment came three spontaneous acts of kindness.

Which was going to serve me best? Dwelling on the positive or the negative?
​
If we look for it, we’ll find that goodness abounds everywhere.
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Christmas Thanks 

One year ago my son was in a full-blown flare with ulcerative colitis. He had dropped 40 lbs and was unable to walk without the aid of canes because, as a secondary complication, he had also developed bursitis on his knees. He looked skeletal, was getting no sleep, was in constant pain and enduring all the other horrible issues of someone in his condition.

He made it through this Thanksgiving without a flare (YAY!) and we are looking forward to his first healthy Christmas in three years.

Yes, there is a lot to be thankful for.

I hope you find many reasons to be grateful this Christmas and that the New Year brings you ever more blessings.
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Ulcerative Colitis Takes a Hike

11/28/2017

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My son looking over a lake in Colorado on his hiking trip
This post is long overdue.

But I wanted to wait until after Thanksgiving to write it, in the hopes that I could pass on good news about my son.

With ulcerative colitis one doesn't want to assume anything, but the fact is that he was able to go on a two week hiking vacation with a good friend in August.

Together with his dog, he took a Canon camera with him and came home with amazing photos of his journey through the mountains.

​
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My son's dog posing with the Rockies in the background
Trials & Tribulations

On their first stop, he discovered that his supplements had become soaked with water and were unusable. They were stored in a box attached to the back of his friend's Jeep, as their two dogs took up most of the space in the rear, and the pouring rain had seeped in.

So he had to pick up whatever he could at a local CVS and hope they would keep him going.

Needless to say his mother was quietly freaking out at home when she heard this news!

They were in the middle of nowhere, pitching tents in the open and hoping no animals - bears, in particular - would come in the night to take their food, their dogs or them.

My son's black lab Collie mix preferred to sleep outside, but that didn't suit her owner: he called her back in every night. 


Due to the high altitude, the damp and the cold, both adventurers suffered digestive difficulties.There were times of stomach aches, diarrhea and discomfort, but miraculously my son didn't flare. He was careful to eat only what he knew was safe and didn't take any risks as he had done in the past.
​


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Hiking dog par excellence

Giving Thanks

The two high school buddies had a wonderful trip. They knew this might be their last opportunity to spend quality time together before life got more serious.

When he got back from this trip my son found out that he had passed the last of his CPA exams. With a bit more paperwork and an ethics test to get through, he received his certificate and is now a bona fide Certified Public Accountant.

In addition to this, for the first time in THREE YEARS, he celebrated Thanksgiving without flaring! I had been praying and praying for this. 

He has now accepted a job in Chicago and is set to start a new life in that big city.

I am so grateful to God!

Take Heart

As we go into the Christmas season, my son has to make sure he doesn't let the Chicago cold get to him. He has just bought a car with a heated steering wheel and heated seats, which should ease his commute to clients.

I sincerely hope that anyone with UC who is reading this takes heart at the knowledge that proper diet is the key to staying in remission. You don't have to be on drugs to keep healthy.

God bless and I'll be posting again after Christmas if not before.

Related Articles: 

​- St. Jude & Ulcerative Colitis


- Ulcerative Colitis: Stabat Mater Dolorosa

- Ulcerative Colitis: A Natural Approach

- One Man's Ulcerative Colitis Diet

- A Different Kind of Milk


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Did Christ Worry?

10/27/2017

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It recently occurred to me that Christ didn’t simply tell us not to worry, He set us the example.

He wasn’t worried that things might go wrong for Him if he continued to antagonize the Jewish leaders. Anxiety didn't prevent him from threatening to cause an uprising that would incur the brutal wrath of the Romans.

He already knew that at the end of His three years’ ministry He was going to die an agonizing death on the cross.
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Armed with such knowledge about our future, most of us - if not all of us - would simply refuse to get out of bed and try to avoid such a painful fate.

Using Our Time Wisely 

But Christ kept on keeping on.

He knew His days were numbered, but instead of letting this frightening truth paralyze Him, He made every day He had on earth count. He loved Mankind, spread the Gospel, brought people to God and gave them (and us) the chance to be saved.

Our lives are finite and none of us knows how long we have to live. That is why it’s so important to follow Christ’s example and make a difference in the lives of those around us with the time that God has given us.
​
It doesn’t matter whether we have many years or a few days left. What does matter is that we use them to serve God to the best of our abilities.

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There’s No Room for Worry 

In Matthew 6: 27 Jesus says, ‘And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?’

We’ve all read the passage, but how many of us actually absorb its truth?

Christ truly lived out His words, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)”

He went about His Father’s business, bringing the Kingdom of God to this world and leaving tomorrow’s evils to tomorrow.

He didn’t fret about the future like we do. He showed us how to deal with daily life, despite the fact that He already knew what evil lay in store for Him.
​
The rest of us spend our days imagining the bad things that might arise, when 99.99% of them don’t ever come to pass. And usually we don’t foresee the evil that is around the corner: we’re not God - we can’t ‘cover all bases.’
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​“Smile: It May Never Happen!” 

I used to hear that phrase all the time when I was a teenager. People would even shout it out to me as I walked down the street. In my early days of competing in horse shows, I got so sick of friends, family and strangers exhorting me to smile! I wanted to shout, “I’m REALLY nervous! It’s not fair to ask me to smile!”

But they were right. How is looking grim going to make life go smoothly? And especially if we’re Christians, when we’re supposed to show how our Christian faith improves our general outlook!

I tend to have this stupid attitude that if I worry about it I’ll somehow prevent it from happening, and I think many of you are the same. We see ourselves as responsible for the way things turn out and have to carry the weight of making sure nothing goes wrong by Doing the Worrying Bit.
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How presumptuous is that?! We’re playing God and we know that's wrong.
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God doesn’t want us to be unhappy and He wants us to hand over the day to day running of the world to Him. What happens tomorrow is none of our business.

Surely it makes more sense to carry out the tasks He’s given us for today, serving God with joy and letting tomorrow take care of itself?

That’s exactly what He did. And when things ‘went wrong’ for Him, He was ready to accept suffering with good grace for our sakes. He met it head on when it came, as we are expected to do.
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But until then He didn’t waste time worrying about His imminent death: He used His time profitably to serve His Heavenly Father.
​
And so should we.
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One Man's Ulcerative Colitis Diet

8/15/2017

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A friend who knows my 25 year old son has ulcerative colitis happened to ask me what he can eat.

She was horrified when I described his restricted diet, a meal plan four years in the creating, to which he must stick if he is to stay in remission or get back into remission if he flares.

“But he’s so young!” she said. “With such limited food choices, how does he manage to stay so positive?”

“Impressive, isn’t it?”  I replied. “Now you understand why he is such a hero in my eyes.”
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You Can Eat Anything You Like as long as It’s This 

Here's the menu he adheres to.

Entrees: 

Minced Turkey - fried in olive oil, or boiled and seasoned with ginger and turmeric powder and salt to taste.

Minced Bison - prepared as above.

Minced Chicken - prepared as above.

Note: Our meats are raised without hormones or antibiotics.


Sides: 

Cauliflower or broccoli - boiled until falling apart and seasoned with turmeric and ginger powder and salt to taste.

(Sorry, we are unable to offer pasta, potatoes or other carbs.)

Note: We use ginger and turmeric because of their anti-inflammatory properties.


Desserts: 

Envirokidz Chocolate Choco Chimps - gluten free and wheat free served with Ripple pea milk.


Our Take-Away Menu 

Whenever Bars - because we understand how hard it is on people with ulcerative colitis not to safely be able to grab ready-made food to eat on the go.

(These bars were a great find and although they tend to give my son gas, he gets no other ill effects despite the fact that they contain traces of things that he normally can’t eat.)


Beverages:

Filtered water
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One occasional glass of red wine
 
And there you have his entire menu.
The Mental Plan 
​

In my post Ulcerative Colitis: The Natural Approach I mentioned the list of supplements recommended by a doctor in New York State, which keep my son in a good place mentally as well as helping to replace nutrients he doesn’t get from his limited diet.

One of them is taurine. This amino acid regulates the immune system, is an antioxidant and has been found to reduce inflammation, an essential function for anyone with UC.

My son works out every day to build muscle (maintaining weight is a constant problem with UC) and taurine also reduces muscle fatigue and muscle damage. When he ran out of taurine there was a downturn in his overall well-being.

“Within a week I noticed less energy, awareness and happiness (and I was) more likely to get upset.”

That went away when he started taking taurine again.


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The Plan when Flaring 

My son stresses that mental attitude is CRUCIAL to getting through a flare. It’s important to know that it will pass.

Even when he's doing the right things, they take time to work. We’re talking weeks and months, depending on the severity of his symptoms.

His last flare began in late October when he ate raw coconut flour. He was making his own protein drink and didn’t react badly the first day he drank it, so thought it was O.K. to continue. Too late he discovered how wrong he was.

A month later he was coming out of that flare, but ran out of food the day he took one of his CPA exams (stress). He ate an egg from Wawa without realizing it had mayonnaise in it. Back he went into a flare, worse than the previous one.

Already hurting from throwing the ball for his dog, his shoulder became so painful when this flare started that he could hardly move his arm. The pain then spread to his other shoulder.

But he insisted on going with me for a week to Fontana Village in North Carolina to walk the mountain trails by day with our two dogs, and sit by the fire in our log cabin every evening, watching funny British programs.

At night I heard him rush to the bathroom every forty-five minutes and listen to podcasts in there, soaking up knowledge while his body was letting him down…

He was exhausted and more emaciated each morning, but determined to continue our exploration of the area, even if it meant pooping himself.

As if that weren’t bad enough, on our return back home his knees became inflamed and he could no longer bend them. I heard him scream in bed whenever his dog accidentally jumped onto his knees to snuggle with him on the duvet.

We tried everything - heat pads, creams, etc. - but nothing worked. And his shoulders were still killing him. He could not find a comfortable position in bed.

Life was truly miserable!! Christmas was miserable!

But he kept telling me, “Mum, I know this will pass.” Please note, he kept telling me that, not the other way round.

You cannot imagine the tears I shed and prayers I said and fasting I performed in private for my poor son.

When we finally managed to see a doctor about his shoulder, we discovered that he had a torn rotator cuff. But being in a flare, his body was in full inflammation mode, unable to heal anything.

We then found out that the knee problem was bursitis. Again, inflammation as a direct result of the flare.  I have a friend with Crohn’s who gets arthritis in her knees when she flares. When the physician's assistant pressed on them to figure out what was wrong, he greatly alleviated the pain. Every evening after that my son asked me to press hard on the swelling, which helped him hugely and his knees soon returned to normal.

Finally he was starting to get a bit better and ate some gluten free potato chips, something he used to eat with no problem. He thinks the hard chips were too rough on his stomach, because he went back into a flare.
​
This was now his third flare in a row.

​
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Refusal to Give Up 

But my son continued with his strict diet and his supplements in the total conviction that this regime would eventually work.  

He also went back to the gym as soon as he could walk again. For you guys reading this, you’ll relate to his embarrassment when he had to use the pink girl-size weights instead of the beefy dark colored masculine ones he’d been lifting before his flare! He kept wanting to shout out to the hunks in there, “I don’t normally look like this! This isn’t the real me!”
​
But he had to leave his ego at the door whenever he walked into that sea of muscled torsos.

His advice to others in the same situation: “Catch yourself when you feel down about it - IT WILL GET BETTER!”


Slow but not Steady
 
A big problem with trying to be positive is that this condition doesn’t improve in linear fashion. After continuing for weeks at the same level, the bleeding in his stool suddenly goes away for no obvious reason.

He stays at that new level for weeks, until  the diarrhea
suddenly stops.

I read a post on a thread about a UC sufferer, who had a colonoscopy during his flare. He was suffering the full blown symptoms of the disease even though only a tiny part of his colon was still affected.

That explains to me why the symptoms don’t continue to improve gradually. Even if a miniscule part of your colon is inflamed, it feels as if the whole thing is. You ‘suddenly’ get better once that pesky last little bit heals.

My son experiences a huge thirst for knowledge when flaring. In addition to listening to podcasts all day long, he reads Seneca and the other stoics.
​
He uses this time to educate himself about topics related to physical and mental health and this is how he comes across many of the supplements he uses. He researches constantly for new ways to help himself.
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Going to Work

Holding down a steady job is really rough on someone with UC.

My son appreciates having been able to come home to his parents when he flared again. He was, in any case, taking a break from work to study for his CPA exams but it is no surprise that poor eating and the stress of the first three exams resulted in flares. (Miraculously he passed them!)

He finally got his symptoms under control around the end of May and was able to sign on with an employment agency. He has taken a temporary accounting job in D.C. for the next few months and drives to the Metro which he rides into the city, with one stop.

He gets up at 4:30 a.m. to go to the gym then comes back for a shower before going to work.

His UC makes him much more disciplined about preparing enough food to take with him and ensuring he eats in time to use the bathroom way ahead of making that trek into D.C. His next meal isn’t until 3 p.m. to guarantee he can last the trip home without mishap but also without starving.

Not only does he prepare his food the night before for the next day but he also lays out the week’s clothes - for both gym and work.

He told me that his UC has made him extremely organized overall. Even in the early days of his diagnosis, when his college grades were so-so, his disease caused a big shift in his outlook. Determined to make the best of it, he kicked himself into high gear and made the dean’s list. He walked dogs at the local rescue over that last summer in college and adopted a beautiful Border Collie cross, Fly, named after the sheep dog in the movie "Babe."  

He now takes her everywhere with him including on a hiking trip with another friend and his rescue dog to Colorado over the past two weeks.
(A topic for a later post!)
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Ulcerative colitis doesn’t have to mean the end of ever having fun.

Yes, it means a big change in your life plans. But it is possible to turn it into a positive. You can’t eat foods that are bad for you, so you have to take care of your body. Your focus turns from a hearty appetite for meals to a healthy appetite for staying in shape and taking part in interesting and enjoyable activities.

UC sufferers have a lot of incentive to make the most of their lives in ways that don’t relate to food, and my son has chosen to take that approach. He no longer takes risks with his eating, and we're hoping he makes it through the winter this year without flaring.

You know me - I'll have an update about that when the time comes!

If you have a UC  diet to share, contact me.

Related Articles

- Ulcerative Colitis: A Natural Approach

- St. Jude & Ulcerative Colitis

- Ulcerative Colitis: Stabat Mater Dolorosa

​
- A Different Kind of Milk

- Ulcerative Colitis Takes a Hike

The world is ready for a fictional hero with ulcerative colitis!

Riding Out the Devil is the first book in my trilogy about Jack Harper, a horse trainer with UC.

Download your FREE copy at ​Hilary Walker Books!




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Ulcerative Colitis: A Natural Approach

8/3/2017

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When my son was first diagnosed with ulcerative colitis at age 21, we trusted the gastroenterologist who said ‘keep eating what you’re eating’ and prescribed Lialda.

If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know this medication made his symptoms a thousand times worse and we vowed then and there to find a natural solution to his condition. Through a ton of research I came across Dr. Dahlman’s protocol, which he follows to this day.

But as he’s matured, he’s taken over the continuing search for even more ways to help him live with this disease.
​
Each case of ulcerative colitis is highly individual and what works for him may not work for you. But I would like to share what he’s found helpful.
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Ultimate Flora Probiotic​

Anyone with UC knows that probiotics are essential for restoring balance in the intestines and improving immune function, two very important aspects for a UC sufferer.

Probiotics also stimulate resistance to infection and keep harmful bacteria in check.

But the big question is, which probiotic should you buy out of all the ones on the market?

The one my son uses is not cheap: 60 capsules, or two months’ supply, run at $90 - but they are worth it.

Ultimate Flora by Renew Life has 80 billion live cultures per delay-release capsule and is dairy and gluten free.

One capsule taken every morning ‘keeps his stomach and colon happier, and reduces the rumbling.’ He has no stomach ache after eating and doesn’t need to rush to the bathroom immediately.

He does suggest that someone in a flare might want to take one in the evening, too, as it can ‘pass through’ during that painful time.

My son ran out of this product for a couple of days and suddenly had blood in his stool again. So he knows it’s working!

Note: This probiotic has to be refrigerated, so is not available in all stores. Our local The Vitamin Shoppe sells it. 

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Onnit Hemp Force Vanilla Açai 

This remarkable product, described as a “High-performance plant protein with an unfairly good taste” contains many great ingredients.
 
To quote from Onnit:

"Unwilling to compromise with our commitment to finding the most nutrient dense natural ingredients available, the key was in a combination of mesquite powder and freeze dried açaí berry, a blend of both tart and molasses notes delivered by 100% earth grown ingredients. Adding Chia and Flax seed to the protein and omega rich hemp seed simply enhanced the nutrient potential of this powerful protein superfood."

It is vegan, gluten free, soy free and dairy free, and contains 14 grams of protein per serving. 

My son originally took it before working out to help build muscle, which is a constant struggle for him, but soon realized it was having other benefits, too.

Unlike other protein shakes, it has no negative side effects for him. It has helped him gain weight and maintain it and build muscle. He says it tastes exceptionally good with Pea Milk! 

Check out their 'Taste Pro Tips' on what else to mix the powder with.

It keeps his stools more solid and calms his stomach. He stays full for longer and his stomach doesn’t rumble the way it usually does otherwise.

He experiences less urgency and more control: he doesn’t need to rush to the bathroom as soon as he’s taken it.

This product has been a real boon for him.

Note: my son orders this online directly from Onnit. Each container holds 10 servings and costs $44.95. If you subscribe to their regular delivery you get 15% off, which works out at $38.21 a tub.

There's no doubt about it, Ulcerative Colitis is not a cheap disease to have!  But going the natural route beats suffering the side effects of medication, which usually only works for a limited time before you have to look for something else.

Dealing with the Stress of Ulcerative Colitis
 
In addition to the supplements for the diarrhea and pain associated with UC, there are the mental and emotional problems which come with it.

Dr. Richard Bloom in New York State suggested the following supplements to handle them.

Morning:
1,000mg - Source Naturals Omega EPA Fish Oil
1,000mg -Source Natural Taurine
500mg - Allergy Research Group L-methionine Free Form Amino Acid
1,000mg - Natrol Easy-C  (Vitamin C)
1,000mg -NOW Inositol Capsules

Evening:
I pinch - Cream of Tartar from supermarket
1,000mg - Taurine as above
1,000mg - Inositol as above

Instead of listing the numerous uses of each of the above, let me quote what my son wrote after taking them.

“It took a couple of days to feel anything, but I have noticed benefits since then.
- Increased energy
- Better mood
- More calmness
- Able to calm down from upsetting situations much faster
- Happier/more positive conversations
- Easier to regulate my mood
- Better at the gym (he works out every day)
- General mood has been largest benefit
- Used to experience more of a dark mood
- Increased desire to communicate/able to feel more supportive of others.”
 
Here’s what he wrote when he ran out of the Taurine pills, but was still taking the rest.

“Within a week I noticed less energy, awareness and happiness.
- More likely to get upset
- (I’m) taking  the Taurine with the other pills again, and I feel much better, more optimistic, more motivated and have more energy.”
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BEMER: A non-invasive procedure
Turning Point During a Flare 

During my son’s latest flare earlier this year, which simply would not quit (and before he was taking the above supplements) a friend came down from New Jersey to try the BEMER on him. Briefly put, this is a machine which improves the flow of oxygen down to the body’s tiniest capillaries and naturally stimulates the healing process with magnetic waves flowing through the body.

My friend could only stay for three days, and performed two eight minute sessions on my son daily during that time. This involved his lying down on an oblong mat hooked up to a machine which pulsed magnetic waves through his body at a low frequency. (I'm putting this in extremely simplistic layman's terms - a BEMER person would probably be horrified at my inadequate description!)

But it seems to have been the turning point for my son's climb back into remission, which came about in an unexpected way. Here's what he wrote:

“I was impressed with the BEMER’s ability to help me retain the weight I was usually losing overnight. While I didn’t experience many colitis symptom-related benefits, I can see now it’s great for recovery from workouts and increased nutrient uptake. I would recommend the BEMER for athletes and people with autoimmune diseases like mine who have trouble absorbing nutrients from their food.”

While the machine itself is very expensive, it is possible to rent one for a while to see if it really is beneficial. Some IBD sufferers have reported positive results. You’ll find a contact page on the BEMER website. Once you start using it, you need to continue in order to keep reaping the benefits.

 
I hope the above information gives you some things to consider in your quest to help yourself or someone you love who is struggling with this horrible disease.

While my son works on the earthly aspects of his healing, his mother continues to pray daily for his success in overcoming his disability.

I shall soon be posting more ways to combat ulcerative colitis.

Meanwhile I'll leave you with this photo he took yesterday of his dog, Fly, from Colorado where he is on a two week camping trip with friends.
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Related Articles

- St. Jude & Ulcerative Colitis

- Ulcerative Colitis: Stabat Mater Dolorosa

- A Different Kind of Milk

- One Man's Ulcerative Colitis Diet

- Ulcerative Colitis Takes a Hike



The world is ready for a fictional hero with ulcerative colitis!

Riding Out the Devil is the first book in my trilogy about Jack Harper, a horse trainer with UC. 

Download your FREE copy at ​Hilary Walker Books!
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    Hilary Walker

    A fanatic horse rider and writer of Christian Inspirational Fiction, who's beginning to understand that making it to Heaven is a tad more important than winning at horse shows.

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